Rapa Nui (1994)
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It is said that the film, Rapa Nui, was based on actual decoded messages from the stone statues on Easter Island. I don't believe it. Not for a minute. If you've seen the movie, then you know exactly what I'm talking about. History can't be this loopy. The events themselves may be true, but something about it all seems to be the product of a very fevered and addled brain.
Rapa Nui is a film based on the history of said Easter Island. For years the mystery of the giant statues and the lack of any people on the island was cause for intense speculation. Look no more, Rapa Nui has answered those questions.
The inept director is none other than Kevin Reynolds who, after Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Waterworld and this, you'd think would be consigned to movie hell and would never be allowed near a movie camera again. But he had friends in high places obviously, after all, none other than Kevin Costner helped produce this. Which means Costner not only stars in crap, and directs crap, but he also produces other people's crap. A true triple loser.
Jason Scott Lee stars as a young Polynesian buck who is a member of the Long-Ear tribe. The Long-Ears have ruled the island and are treated as superior than the lowly Short-Ear clan. The island emperor is played by Eru Potaka-Dewes as if he were a very senile guidance counselor, a man of authority who lacks any fear-inducing leadership abilities. Most of the time he is seeking clues about the future ("Leave me alone, I have entrails to read!"), and waiting for the Great White Canoe to carry him to the 'other side'. Anyway, the emperor just sits around stirring chicken guts and ordering the giant stone faces to be erected to appease the gods. So far, so odd.
Lee loves Sandrine Holt, who plays a topless, Short-Ear wench, but Short-Ear stud Esai Morales wants her as well. Potaka-Dewes orders Holt to stay in the Cave of the White Virgin for 6 moons to prove she is worthy of a Long-Ear husband. To avenge Holt, Morales decides that he must win a race, helpfully called "The Race", to make sure the Short-Ears take control of the island. What is "The Race"? So glad you asked. Selected racers from the various tribes (there are several others besides the Ear tribes but the movie conveniently avoids getting into too much detail) are to race across the island, swim the channel to a neighboring island, grab a rare bird egg, strap it to their foreheads, and swim back. The first racer back with an intact egg on his head wins. Unintentional hilarity ensures.
As it turns out, it doesn't matter too much who wins because shortly thereafter the Great White Canoe arrives to take the emperor and others to the great beyond. I won't spoil it by telling you exactly what the Great White Canoe is, but let's just say that the contrast in temperatures makes it a wee bit implausible. With this event, the island erupts into war and chaos causing murder and cannibalism. Lee, and a freshly white, virginal, and now blind Holt, flee in a boat into the ocean a la Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins in The Blue Lagoon. End of story, end of movie.
All this silliness can't be for real, can it? I didn't even mention the environmental message about the chopping down of all the island's trees that are used to cart the stone heads around. As Roger Ebert said in his review, "Before you can save the planet, save the movie."
It is said that the film, Rapa Nui, was based on actual decoded messages from the stone statues on Easter Island. I don't believe it. Not for a minute. If you've seen the movie, then you know exactly what I'm talking about. History can't be this loopy. The events themselves may be true, but something about it all seems to be the product of a very fevered and addled brain.
Rapa Nui is a film based on the history of said Easter Island. For years the mystery of the giant statues and the lack of any people on the island was cause for intense speculation. Look no more, Rapa Nui has answered those questions.
The inept director is none other than Kevin Reynolds who, after Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Waterworld and this, you'd think would be consigned to movie hell and would never be allowed near a movie camera again. But he had friends in high places obviously, after all, none other than Kevin Costner helped produce this. Which means Costner not only stars in crap, and directs crap, but he also produces other people's crap. A true triple loser.
Jason Scott Lee stars as a young Polynesian buck who is a member of the Long-Ear tribe. The Long-Ears have ruled the island and are treated as superior than the lowly Short-Ear clan. The island emperor is played by Eru Potaka-Dewes as if he were a very senile guidance counselor, a man of authority who lacks any fear-inducing leadership abilities. Most of the time he is seeking clues about the future ("Leave me alone, I have entrails to read!"), and waiting for the Great White Canoe to carry him to the 'other side'. Anyway, the emperor just sits around stirring chicken guts and ordering the giant stone faces to be erected to appease the gods. So far, so odd.
Lee loves Sandrine Holt, who plays a topless, Short-Ear wench, but Short-Ear stud Esai Morales wants her as well. Potaka-Dewes orders Holt to stay in the Cave of the White Virgin for 6 moons to prove she is worthy of a Long-Ear husband. To avenge Holt, Morales decides that he must win a race, helpfully called "The Race", to make sure the Short-Ears take control of the island. What is "The Race"? So glad you asked. Selected racers from the various tribes (there are several others besides the Ear tribes but the movie conveniently avoids getting into too much detail) are to race across the island, swim the channel to a neighboring island, grab a rare bird egg, strap it to their foreheads, and swim back. The first racer back with an intact egg on his head wins. Unintentional hilarity ensures.
As it turns out, it doesn't matter too much who wins because shortly thereafter the Great White Canoe arrives to take the emperor and others to the great beyond. I won't spoil it by telling you exactly what the Great White Canoe is, but let's just say that the contrast in temperatures makes it a wee bit implausible. With this event, the island erupts into war and chaos causing murder and cannibalism. Lee, and a freshly white, virginal, and now blind Holt, flee in a boat into the ocean a la Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins in The Blue Lagoon. End of story, end of movie.
All this silliness can't be for real, can it? I didn't even mention the environmental message about the chopping down of all the island's trees that are used to cart the stone heads around. As Roger Ebert said in his review, "Before you can save the planet, save the movie."