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  • The Laughter Dies
    • An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn (1998)
    • Best Defense (1984)
    • The Best of Times (1986)
    • The Bounty Hunter (2010)
    • Cabin Boy (1994)
    • Cats & Dogs (2001)
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    • The Choirboys (1977)
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    • Did You Hear About the Morgans? (2009)
    • Dirty Love (2005)
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    • Ed (1996)
    • Exit to Eden (1994)
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    • Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
    • Going Berserk (1983)
    • The Gong Show Movie (1980)
    • Grandma's Boy (2006)
    • Grown Ups (2010)
    • Happy, Texas (1999)
    • Harold (2008)
    • Harper Valley P.T.A. (1978)
    • Haunted Honeymoon (1986)
    • Ishtar (1987)
    • Killers (2010)
    • The Master of Disguise (2002)
    • Me, Myself & Irene (2000)
    • Midnight Madness (1980)
    • Modern Girls (1986)
    • Mr. Wrong (1996)
    • Mystery Men (1999)
    • A Night at the Roxbury (1998)
    • The Opposite Sex and How to Live With Them (1993)
    • Partners (1982)
    • Porky's (1982)
    • Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
    • Private School (1983)
    • Screwballs (1983)
    • Spring Fever (1982)
    • Step Brothers (2008)
    • Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992)
    • The Swinger (1966)
    • That Old Feeling (1997)
    • Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie (2012)
    • Wacko (1982)
    • Wanderlust (2012)
    • War, Inc. (2008)
    • What Planet Are You From? (2000)
    • What's Your Number? (2011)
    • Where the Boys Are '84 (1984)
    • Yellowbeard (1983)
    • Your Highness (2011)
  • Thrill-Less
    • Abduction (2011)
    • Adrenalin: Fear the Rush (1996)
    • Airport (1970)
    • ATM (2012)
    • Avalanche (1978)
    • The Avengers (1998)
    • Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002)
    • Band of the Hand (1986)
    • Bear Island (1979)
    • Beneath the Darkness (2012)
    • Body of Evidence (1993)
    • Cardiac Arrest (1980)
    • Certain Fury (1985)
    • City on Fire (1979)
    • Cold Creek Manor (2003)
    • Cold Heaven (1992)
    • Color of Night (1994)
    • Crack in the World (1965)
    • Cruising (1980)
    • The Crush (1993)
    • Dangerously Close (1986)
    • Dead Heat (1988)
    • Death Valley (1982)
    • Diabolique (1996)
    • 88 Minutes (2008)
    • Extremities (1986)
    • Eyes of Laura Mars (1978)
    • Eyes of a Stranger (1981)
    • The Fan (1981)
    • Fighting Back (1982)
    • The Happening (2008)
    • Horsemen (2009)
    • Hush (1998)
    • I Know Who Killed Me (2007)
    • In Dreams (1999)
    • The Island (1980)
    • Jade (1995)
    • Lipstick (1976)
    • Lisa (1990)
    • Love Crimes (1992)
    • Mad Dog Time (1996)
    • The Medusa Touch (1978)
    • The New Kids (1985)
    • Nightwatch (1998)
    • Obsessed (2009)
    • 187 (1997)
    • Oxygen (1999)
    • Phobia (1980)
    • Red State (2011)
    • Rollerball (2002)
    • Rollercoaster (1977)
    • Savage Streets (1984)
    • Scissors (1991)
    • The Seduction (1982)
    • Sphinx (1981)
    • Silent Rage (1982)
    • Sleeping With the Enemy (1991)
    • Sliver (1993)
    • Snake Eyes (1998)
    • Superman Returns (2006)
    • The Swarm (1978)
    • Taken (2009)
    • The Tall Man (2012)
    • Tattoo (1981)
    • 10,000 B.C. (2008)
    • This World, Then the Fireworks (1997)
    • Tough Guys Don't Dance (1987)
    • Trespass (2011)
    • Truth or Consequences, N.M. (1997)
    • Turbulence (1997)
    • The Vanishing (1993)
    • Vertical Limit (2000)
    • Visiting Hours (1982)
    • When Time Ran Out... (1980)
    • Whispers in the Dark (1992)
    • Windows (1980)
  • To the Shredder!
    • Angela's Ashes (1999)
    • At Play in the Fields of the Lord (1991)
    • Atlas Shrugged Part 1 (2011)
    • The Blue Lagoon (1980)
    • Blood and Chocolate (2007)
    • The Bonfire of the Vanities (1990)
    • Boom! (1968)
    • Breakfast of Champions (1999)
    • Brenda Starr (1992)
    • Butterfly (1982)
    • The Cider House Rules (1999)
    • The Cobweb (1955)
    • Congo (1995)
    • Desire Under the Elms (1958)
    • Endless Love (1981)
    • Even Cowgirls Get the Blues (1994)
    • Everybody Wins (1990)
    • Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)
    • Fight Club (1999)
    • Gymkata (1985)
    • The History Boys (2006)
    • Indecent Proposal (1993)
    • Jonah Hex (2010)
    • The Lonely Lady (1983)
    • Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil (1997)
    • Miracle at St. Anna (2008)
    • Myra Breckinridge (1970)
    • Pay it Forward (2000)
    • The Prince of Tides (1991)
    • Reflections in a Golden Eye (1967)
    • The Scarlet Letter (1995)
    • Seven Days in Utopia (2011)
    • The Sheltering Sky (1990)
    • Shining Through (1992)
    • Slapstick of Another Kind (1984)
    • Staircase (1969)
    • A Summer Place (1959)
    • Ten Little Indians (1989)
    • A Thousand Acres (1997)
    • Tropic of Cancer (1970)
    • Valley of the Dolls (1967)
  • Epic Fail
    • Alexander (2004)
    • American Anthem (1986)
    • Bolero (1984)
    • Branded (2012)
    • Caligula (1980)
    • Chastity (1969)
    • Conan the Barbarian (2011)
    • Courage Mountain (1990)
    • Drum (1976)
    • Fever Pitch (1985)
    • 54 (1998)
    • Fireproof (2008)
    • Heaven's Gate (1981)
    • Hercules (1983)
    • Hudson Hawk (1991)
    • Inchon (1982)
    • King Kong (1976)
    • Lady in the Water (2006)
    • The Legend of Lylah Clare (1968)
    • The Man Who Wasn't There (1983)
    • Mandingo (1975)
    • Moment by Moment (1978)
    • A Night in Heaven (1983)
    • One From the Heart (1982)
    • Over the Top (1987)
    • The Patriot (2000)
    • Perfect (1985)
    • Pirates (1986)
    • Rapa Nui (1994)
    • Ready to Wear (1994)
    • Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991)
    • Revolution (1985)
    • Sahara (1984)
    • Showgirls (1995)
    • Silent Tongue (1993)
    • Skidoo (1968)
    • What Dreams May Come (1998)
    • Wild Orchid (1990)
    • Wilder Napalm (1993)
    • X, Y and Zee (1972)
  • Oh, the Horror...
    • An American Haunting (2006)
    • Amityville II: The Possession (1982)
    • Amityville 3-D (1983)
    • The Apparition (2012)
    • Army of Darkness (1993)
    • Bad Moon (1996)
    • Bats (1999)
    • The Beast Within (1982)
    • The Being (1983)
    • The Black Waters of Echo's Pond (2010)
    • Blood Beach (1981)
    • BloodRayne (2006)
    • Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000)
    • The Boogens (1981)
    • Bride of Chucky (1998)
    • Burnt Offerings (1976)
    • Curtains (1983)
    • The Dark (1979)
    • Darkness Falls (2003)
    • Deadly Friend (1986)
    • Death Ship (1980)
    • DeepStar Six (1989)
    • Demon Seed (1977)
    • The Devil Inside (2012)
    • The Devil Within Her (1976)
    • Don't Go in the House (1980)
    • Don't Go in the Woods (1981)
    • Dr. Giggles (1992)
    • The Evil (1978)
    • Evilspeak (1982)
    • Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)
    • The Exorcist III (1990)
    • Fatal Games (1984)
    • The Final Terror (1983)
    • The Food of the Gods (1976)
    • The Forest (1982)
    • Friday the 13th (1980)
    • Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)
    • Friday the 13th Part 3 (1982)
    • Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)
    • Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985)
    • Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)
    • The Gates of Hell (1983)
    • The Godsend (1980)
    • Graduation Day (1981)
    • Great White (1982)
    • The Guardian (1990)
    • Halloween II (2009)
    • Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)
    • Halloween: Resurrection (2002)
    • The Hills Have Eyes Part 2 (1985)
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    • Hospital Massacre (1982)
    • House by the Cemetery (1981)
    • Humongous (1982)
    • In the Shadow of Kilimanjaro (1986)
    • The Incubus (1982)
    • The Initiation (1984)
    • Intruder (1989)
    • Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
    • Jennifer (1978)
    • John Carpenter's Vampires (1998)
    • Lake Placid (1999)
    • Madman (1982)
    • The Mangler (1995)
    • Maniac (1980)
    • Man's Best Friend (1993)
    • Midnight (1982)
    • The Mutilator (1985)
    • My Bloody Valentine (1981)
    • Night of the Lepus (1972)
    • Nightwing (1979)
    • Nomads (1986)
    • One Dark Night (1983)
    • Open House (1987)
    • Orca (1977)
    • Pieces (1983)
    • Pranks (1982)
    • Prom Night (2008)
    • Prophecy (1979)
    • Q (1982)
    • Schizo (1976)
    • Scream (1981)
    • Season of the Witch (2011)
    • The Sentinel (1977)
    • Shark Night (2011)
    • Sleepaway Camp (1983)
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    • Soul Survivors (2001)
    • Spasms (1984)
    • Superstition (1982)
    • Survival of the Dead (2010)
    • Tintorera (1978)
    • Valentine (2001)
    • Virus (1999)
    • What Lies Beneath (2000)
    • The Wicker Man (2006)
    • Without Warning (1980)
    • Xtro (1983)
  • Sci-Fried
    • Alien: Resurrection (1997)
    • Apollo 18 (2011)
    • Armageddon (1998)
    • Barb Wire (1996)
    • Battle: Los Angeles (2011)
    • Battlefield Earth (2000)
    • Carnosaur (1993)
    • Communion (1989)
    • The Darkest Hour (2011)
    • Def-Con 4 (1985)
    • Embryo (1976)
    • The Fifth Element (1997)
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    • Forbidden World (1982)
    • Galaxy of Terror (1981)
    • Hardware (1990)
    • Horror Planet (1982)
    • John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars (2001)
    • Johnny Mnemonic (1995)
    • The Last Airbender (2010)
    • Lifeforce (1985)
    • Looker (1981)
    • Nightfall (1988)
    • Parasite (1982)
    • Saturn 3 (1980)
    • Skyline (2010)
    • Solarbabies (1986)
    • A Sound of Thunder (2005)
    • Split Second (1992)
    • Sssssss (1973)
    • Supernova (2000)
    • Timerider (1982)
    • Trog (1970)
    • Yor, the Hunter From the Future (1983)
  • A Little Pitchy
    • The Apple (1980)
    • At Long Last Love (1975)
    • Can't Stop the Music (1980)
    • From Justin to Kelly (2003)
    • Give My Regards to Broad Street (1984)
    • Glitter (2001)
    • Grease 2 (1982)
    • Lambada (1990)
    • Lost Horizon (1973)
    • Mame (1974)
    • The Pirate Movie (1982)
    • The Producers (2005)
    • Rock of Ages (2012)
    • Roller Boogie (1979)
    • Sextette (1978)
    • Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978)
    • Shock Treatment (1981)
    • Shout (1991)
    • Song of Norway (1970)
    • Staying Alive (1983)
    • Xanadu (1980)
    • Year of the Horse (1997)
    • Yes, Giorgio (1982)
  • This is Art?
    • Anatomy of Hell (2004)
    • Bamboozled (1999)
    • Being Human (1994)
    • Beyond and Back (1978)
    • The Dark Backward (1991)
    • Downloading Nancy (2009)
    • 8 1/2 Women (2000)
    • Film Socialisme (2011)
    • Futz (1969)
    • Gummo (1997)
    • Holy Smoke (1999)
    • Hugo Pool (1997)
    • I Melt With You (2011)
    • Inserts (1976)
    • Me and You and Everyone We Know (2005)
    • The Moon in the Gutter (1983)
    • Passion in the Desert (1998)
    • Querelle (1982)
    • Rubber (2011)
    • Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom (1975)
    • Siesta (1987)
    • The Singing Forest (2003)
    • Straight to Hell (1987)
    • Track 29 (1988)
    • Two Girls and a Guy (1998)
    • Zabriskie Point (1970)
  • Gut Check
    • Amin: The Rise and Fall (1981)
    • Andy Warhol's Bad (1977)
    • Angel (1984)
    • Anthropophagus (1980)
    • The Baby (1973)
    • Bitch Slap (2010)
    • Bloodsucking Freaks (1976)
    • Captivity (2007)
    • Chaos (2005)
    • Escape 2000 (1983)
    • Forbidden Zone (1982)
    • The Gore Gore Girls (1972)
    • Guyana: Cult of the Damned (1980)
    • Hobo With a Shotgun (2011)
    • House on the Edge of the Park (1980)
    • The Human Centipede: First Sequence (2010)
    • The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence (2011)
    • I Spit On Your Grave (1978)
    • Jail Bait (1954)
    • The Love-Thrill Murders (1971)
    • Luther the Geek (1990)
    • Mother's Day (1980)
    • Otto; or, Up With Dead People (2008)
    • Reform School Girls (1986)
    • The Room (2003)
    • Strangeland (1998)
    • Survive! (1976)
    • The Tempter (1974)
    • Vegas in Space (1992)
    • Vice Squad (1982)
    • Vulgar (2002)

Can't Stop the Music (1980)

Picture

    And now for, undeniably, the absolute worst musical in film history. Considering some of the other musical movie mishaps that have disgraced the screen, such as Spice World, Jubilee, Song of Norway, Grease 2, Xanadu, Lost Horizon, At Long Last Love, Lisztomania, Mame, From Justin to Kelly and Graffiti Bridge, that opinion carries some weight.

    What separates Can't Stop the Music from the rest of the pack is the complete lack of talent involved. I mean, EVERYONE is horrible. Not just good people that happen to drop the ball in the areas of acting, writing, directing etc. But BAD people, walking voids who couldn't do good work even if uzis were pointed at their heads. What can be said when the movie stars Steve Guttenberg, Valerie Perrine, Bruce Jenner, the Village People, and Paul Sand, directed by Nancy Walker (the red-headed Bounty, the quicker-picker-upper lady), and written and produced by kitch-meister Allan Carr (the same man also responsible for the Oscar show debacle featuring Rob Lowe and Snow White). It's a great wonder that God just didn't hurl down a meteor and wipe everyone out on the set on the first day of principal photography.

    The plot (pardon me while I scream with laughter), deals with Guttenberg who is supposed to be such a talented songwriter that his faghag roommate, Perrine, demands that they create the greatest band in the world to do justice to his ground-breaking ditties (hence the creation of the Village People). Olympic Decathelete Bruce Jenner is a random guy who arrives in New York and is promptly robbed by an elderly lady. To tell you the truth, I forget exactly how Jenner gets involved with Guttenberg and Perrine, but like it matters.

    Your first clue that this flick is going to be sheer horror is, ironically, the opening credits, which shows grinning idiot Guttenberg boogie-ing down the streets of NYC wearing headphones, bell-bottoms, and rollerskates. This is probably the first case of a film being dated even before it opened in theatres.

    Anyway our trio of friends gather several local singing studs who, of course, come from several different walks of life, there's a cop, a soldier, a construction worker and a cowboy. Felipe (the Indian) actually walks around the city wearing feathers and loincloths, as if that were normal! No big deal, after all, he IS an Indian. The leatherman, Glenn, is explained that he works as a tollbooth operator. One of the film's biggest laughs has Glenn finally showing up to audition, he's big, burly, hairy, decked out in leather from head to foot, but when he opens his mouth to speak, the nelliest, most effeminite voice comes out. To get the job he prompty jumps on a pedestal and does a rendition of "Danny Boy".

    Well, once the group is set, the rest of the movie is just a series of (bad) musical vignettes. Now, the music of the Village People is fine if you want to shake your butt on the dancefloor. But when put to a visual medium, you can see the music for the homoerotic twaddle that it is. I mean, "YMCA" is done with a bunch of beautiful boys doing gymnastics and lathering each other up in the showers. Oh, and I even forgot to mention the musical number devoted to milk, replete with sequin-clad dancing girls and Valerie Perrine lazing about in a giant drink glass.

    Of course, the record label exec, Paul Sand, thinks the band is the bomb and promptly signs them up. Soon, the nation will be united with Guttenberg's music. Perrine helpfully ads "Your music is bringing these boys together. They should get down on their knees!" Umm..for what reason, Valerie?

    Sure I've mentioned the bad acting, directing, writing and singing. But it's so much worse. The movie doesn't even look good; the cinematography is flat and washed out. At least they could have shelled out some bucks to make it look glitzy.

    Maybe it was an omen, but Perrine tells all that "these are the 80's, you're gonna see things you've never seen before", but thankfully we wouldn't hear from Perrine, Village People, Jenner, or Walker again. Steve Guttenberg survived, but if your career starts with unbearable garbage like this, it's only a matter of time before it's put on life support (hence his starring role in the Olsen twins opus It Takes Two).

    Oh the 70's! We hardly knew ye!


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